October is an important month for me, because it gives me an opportunity to share my story for Domestic Violence Awareness month and it reminds me how far I have come.
In the state of Texas girls and young women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate partner violence, according to the Texas Advocacy Project.
That puts these girls at the end of their high school education and into their first years of college. High school relationships are supposed to be young puppy love that makes you feel like you know what love really is; they aren’t supposed to traumatize you for the rest of your life.
Unfortunately, my high school sweetheart was my biggest nightmare come true. Let’s call him Kyle. We were in an on and off relationship for three years and during that time, I was physically, mentally, sexually and emotionally abused.
Business
It didn’t start out that way though. I thought he was cute, and we enjoyed the same music. I wasn’t very social, but he was and knew just about everyone in our NJROTC class and drill team. I was shocked when Kyle started to come around me and when he asked me out. It was weird going from barely knowing anyone to knowing everyone.
However, my teachers were not so impressed and were shocked by my decision to go out with him. They tried to warn me that he was a troublemaker and that I could do better, but I was “in love.”
At first, we just hung out at school and during drill practice. Eventually I started to go to Kyle’s house after school and sometimes on the weekend, for a couple hours and hang out with him and his little brother. That is when things started to take a turn for the worse. It was like his personality switched when he wasn’t around our school friends.
The Reality
Kyle would be aggressive for no reason. If I interrupted his Call of Duty game, he would stand up grab my hair and bash my head into the wall repeatedly while screaming at me. My skull on the left side still has a dent where the last blow took a toll on me.
Other times he would sexually assault me or blindfold me so that he could smoke what I thought was just marijuana, but years later found out was meth. If I disobeyed any of his rules I was slapped, kicked or punched. Kyle had full control of my email, my AOL and Myspace. He would use them to cheat on me with other girls and prove that he could have anyone he wanted.
Eventually, my entire personality changed and the girl I once was disappeared. I followed him everywhere and did my best not to step out of “line.” I convinced myself that this was love and I deserved every bit of what he did to me, including the loss of our child.
It was not easy when Kyle left me for my best friend and my world came crashing down when they told me they were expecting a baby girl.
After high school I suffered from extreme depression. I attempted to take my life my first year of college and was then diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Relationships after Kyle weren’t easy. I always found the guys that would treat me close to how Kyle did, because it had been so ingrained into my brain that love was supposed to be abusive.
After three breakups and a failed marriage I got tired of hearing “just get over it already,” “it’s in the past, why is it still affecting you?,” and “I can’t date someone who has been raped it’s too much.”
I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong. I didn’t think I could help that I woke up from night terrors screaming and covered in sweat or that I would have random panic attacks that got so bad I would black out.
My psychiatrist was helping me work though these issues, but my significant other was either impatient or could only bite his tongue for so long before he got irritated with me. My ex-husband tried to understand but didn’t really try to help me outside of telling me to get back on my medication.
Medication does help when you find the right one for you but at the time I hadn’t. Nothing I was doing was helping me to move on with my life. I felt Kyle had won and I would remain on this roller coaster ride.
The Love Story
It wasn’t until last December that I found someone who not only listened to my story but did his own research on PTSD and the effects of being in an abusive relationship.
Mike and our friends watched as my personality begin to decline when my marriage was falling apart.
They watched all the fights and screaming matches. My PTSD was triggered every single day. I could barely breath and I didn’t want to live anymore. Mike offered up his home to me for a week to get away and get rest.
I passed out as soon as I got there for over 19 hours straight. My body had enough of the roller coaster and needed rest. Mike just let me talk and cry and encouraged me to do what I wanted and not what everyone else wanted me to do.
As the months went on, I woke up to good morning videos of Mike saying good morning, reminding me how beautiful I am and wishing me a good day.
It was weird at first because no one had ever taken the time to do anything like that for me before. He also paid one of our friends to make a three-sided pillow. Each side has a different texture on it, it is blue and grey with elephants and says Hunny Bunny. The nickname he gave me.
Mike told me to keep the pillow nearby when I sleep and when the flashbacks or night terrors start, I can rub the pillow and it will help bring me out of it.
I had no idea that textures were such a huge part of my PTSD, and it has helped so much with breaking the habit of clawing at my scalp during my sleep.
Mike also made audio files for me to listen to when I needed to take a minute and breath. He has the ocean in the background, and he walks me through breathing exercises, and it has helped center me during bad moments at work and events that otherwise would have had a full episode.
Support Is Available
I say all this to show others who have been in a domestic relationship like me that what we went through was in no way shape or form a good healthy relationship.
Find your Mike. Don’t settle for less and remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. No man or woman has any control over you.
Like Mariska Hargitay’s character, Olivia Benson in Law & Order: SVU says “You survived the abuse. You’re going to survive the recovery.”
It will be a long and difficult road, but you will gain so much and feel so empowered at the end of the day.
Mike has helped me become more independent. I pay all my own bills, I cleared my credit, I work two jobs, I help survivors, I do more of what I enjoy and less of what other people want or expect me to do like play the piano and read more books.
I am not by any means saying I am cured, but I am on the road to recovery thanks to my significant other, Mike.
If you or someone you know needs help, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233.
Dallas College also has free counseling Mon. through Friday from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. in room A311 or call the Student Success. Help is available, you are not alone.